Thursday, April 06, 2006

Old Friend Fills Me With Hatred

Yesterday I saw this girl who used to be a very good friend of mine, and it filled me with rage.

The way our friendship ended really bothers me. Essentially she betrayed me and a bunch of our other girlfriends, and when I called her on it, she accused me of being cliquey and stopped talking to me. Hers wasn't a major betrayal, but she told her boyfriend some really private stuff we had told her. I wasn't going to end the friendship over it, but she chose to do that. The weirdest thing is that she is still friends with the other girls, just not me.

So I haven't seen her in like 3 years, and it was really weird to see her yesterday in the health food store where I always get my lunch. I almost didn't notice her, but when I did my mouth just formed the words, "how are you?" in a very bright and almost inappropriately friendly tone. I was immediately disappointed with myself. She was with her mom, and said in a weird, almost regretful tone, "How are you." Period at the end there is intentional. She wasn't asking a question. I just walked by. Aaargh!

Of course being a really brave person, I lurked in the back of the store hoping they would leave so I wouldn't have to bear the agony of being in LINE with them and having to make CONVERSATION, but I was just so angry doing it. Saying all kinds of nasty things under my breath, etc. I just find it so fucked up that she's the one who betrayed everyone and somehow I still feel like it's my fault. I guess that's my own problem, but it still bothers me. We were really close, and at the time I didn't really have any other close girl friends. I really liked her because she was kind and friendly - way more outgoing than me - and smart. It can be tough to find smart girls to make friends with.

So I guess it really hurt when she blew me off like that and made a huge sweeping judgment of me based on one situation. Her judgment was so way off too; she said I was "just like all those girls in high school," who left other people out. It was such a hurtful thing to say because at the time (and even now to some extent), I had a hard time making friends at all (most of the "girls" i'm referring to were really other people's friends I was associated with) and I was so lonely and needed girl friends more than ever. I always felt like the freak - the girl whose clothes didn't fit right, who didn't quite fit in with the bar crowd, who the guys didn't really look at. I have always, and still do feel like an outsider and an alien. Losing her as a friend, and in that kind of situation, just really made me feel so much worse.

I still miss her sometimes, and part of me wishes we could have run into each other yesterday, struck up a conversation, and maybe renewed the friendship. But another part just wants to tell her to go to Hell with her betrayal and her sweeping judgments. I really don't need that. Hm.


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