On Satisfaction

This might sound sappy, but it occurred to me this morning that it's silly for me to have angst over not wanting a particular thing because perhaps the logical conclusion is that I already have what it is I want. Hmmm.

How I wish I felt today

 

Wubba Bubba

Alexis Riley is getting big already! And cute! I still can't even get over the eyebrows.

Career Angst

I should get up early more often. Or maybe I should never do it again.

I got up at 6:30 this morning with a clear head and some ideas for work, and once I got them out in a list and emailed to myself, I started thinking in general about my life's direction and long term goals. It occurred to me that I have no idea where I want to be career-wise in a couple years. Obviously I can't stay where I am forever, but since I ended up here rather accidentally I think I have lost touch with what I want to do in general.

In fact, I don't think I really had anything in mind. I studied English in college, and really enjoyed it, but never thought about what I would do afterwards. It boggles my mind to think about how clueless I was then. I would just graduate from college and get a job, and then figure it all out. I guess that is sort of what happened, but I really wish I had done some more of the career experimentation before graduating, say with internships like every frigging kid in college seems to do now. Why did that not even occur to me?

So I really tried to simplify and think about what I might like to do with my time and was frustrated to find that I really just don't know. I like literature, I like writing, I like animals, I like helping people... I have a lot of vague interests, but nothing that really stands out as a calling.

Yesterday I briefly entertained (again) the idea of going to law school, because I find the law very interesting. But I don't want to be a lawyer. So how could I justify the expense? Sure a lot of people with law degrees go on to do other things, but I think it's usually by accident, not by design. I know I don't want to run for office after everything I've seen, so... I don't know. End of the road on that line of thought I guess.

A conversation with a friend this morning got me thinking about going back to school to get my PhD in English. I know I would enjoy it. It would be a lot of work to get in, with the GREs and writing samples, etc etc. Where would it take me? At the end I could be a professor, and have time and money (other people's money) to devote to academic pursuits. That's appealing to me, but something inside me says I can't really do it. John will object to me spending money on that kind of education, or I just wouldn't be able to cut it, or I could never get a teaching job.

All I know is I really do want to use my brain for something. I wish in a way I had just gone straight from undergraduate into graduate studies because then I would have gotten as qualified as I could be and I wouldn't have had to wake up to the real world until I had all that under my belt. But I wouldn't be where I am today, with a great relationship and some experiences which I wouldn't trade for the world, without the last 7 years going the way they have gone. It's just so hard to jump back into it when I've been away so long. If I went back to Rutgers I would have to submit a 10-20 page paper to show my skill for literary criticism. I haven't flexed that muscle since 1999. I am pretty sure I could do it, but would it be good enough? I think my reflections on literature might be a little more valid with the life experience I've had, but I can't say I remember particularly well how to do it all. Bibliography? AAAH!

I don't want to just continue letting life happen to me, because it feels terribly passive and I keep waking up every couple years having a Talking Heads moment (how did I get here?). I've got to focus on this question, and make a real decision soon.

Doesn't quite jibe

You are usewess Awec Bawwin..

Back at work after a 3-day weekend and again, as just about always, I can't really remember what I did the whole time.

Saturday we spend the whole day helping to move Matt and Jess to their new house, which is about 6 blocks from the house we will be moving into. They had a frigging nightmare with the movers, so much so that we decided that we will just handle our furniture on our own thank you very much. But overall the day was really fun, although there was plenty of work to be done.

John and I hung with Matt and Jess into the evening and had dinner, then enough wine to have to spend the night on their pull-out couch. Like idiots we left the windows open all night in the living room. I woke up at 4 a.m. and realized I was using the baby blanket Jess had given me (it was warm when we went to sleep), my sweater, and various cushions to prevent myself from freezing to death, and that this behavior was very similar to that of a homeless person and I indeed have a home and clothing, etc. Everything was still all packed up, so I wandered out into the garage and started poking around the boxes for one that might say "big, frigging warm blanket," but the closest I got was a Christmas tablecloth, which I decided would do just fine. Fortunately on my way back to the family room, I just happened to walk by a box with a giant comforter in it, and I nearly wet my pants I was so happy. John and I re-entered the civilized world.

Oh, I didn't even talk about the Seder. It was rad. For some reason that's all I want to say about it right now, but I guess I'll stop being lazy and describe it.

Ahhh, not really. 12 people total (I think). A really nice family, plus the rabbi and his parents and his son, and a couple he knows, and my co-worker. Very good food (matzo and haroset! ohhhh yeah!), and great conversation. It was a real honor to be there.

The rabbi's lady friend, Janis, made an awesome vegetarian matzo lasagne for me, and she was not even there. She made it the night before. I have never even met her. It was so nice of her to do that, especially since she had to get on a plane at 6 the next morning. Great lady. Hope I get to meet her (I just typed "meat her." ha.) some day.

It sure feels like nap time right now.

Bad Blogger

I am being a bad blogger, one of those ones who doesn't write for a week at a time. I don't think many people are reading this, but I know when I log onto the pages I read often and they haven't been updated (ahem, Nitpick), I feel so loooonely.

I also find that I stop writing just when I probably have the most to write about. Sometimes that makes sense when all of it has to do with work, which I've decided I will not be focusing on here for fear of being Dooced.

I got my new car, a Toyota Matrix XR, and I frigging love it. I have never had a brand new car before, and there is something that's just so delightful about it. I wonder when I will stop picking up every speck of dust that hits the floor, though. John's dad made the whole thing possible by coming out with us last weekend and acting as our official negotiator. He is entitled to a ride in the Matrix any time.

In more significant news, John started a new job today. I can't wait to hear how it went when we both get home. He was nervous this morning, I think, because he didn't even really want me to tell him good luck or anything. "Don't make a big deal about this!" So funny. I can't imagine what emotion was behind that one. I would want at least 350 "good luck" wishes before leaving the house to start a new job, but he's a man and men are mysterious.

We had drinks with his now former coworkers last night, and it was a bitchfest the likes of which I have rarely seen. One of his buddies was actually banging his fist on the bar. That place appears to be self-destructing, so it's a really good thing John checked out. Last week, they took away the employees' summer hours, and get this - their use of the company kitchen. Just locked the thing up. I couldn't believe that. Is that supposed to increase productivity?

I am going to a Passover seder at the Rabbi's house tomorrow night, and it's a little nerve-wracking. I am not Jewish, and not a meat-eater. I am just hoping it doesn't turn into a tremendous flop-sweat party for me. It should be very interesting, and I'm so honored to be invited, but I'm nervous. Part of the whole tradition is a reminder to Jewish people to be kind to strangers, so maybe that will work in my favor. I'm sure, actually, that it will be a good time, but it's definitely a new and different experience.

I had a wild and crazy weekend, beginning with a dinner party on Friday night that came with a LOT of sangria-filled fun. It was a birthday party for my friend Matt, whose picture is down there in my archives somewhere, and our friends Nicole and Nathanael come down from NYC to join all of us in the celebration. Frankly, I can't remember what I did on Saturday, but Sunday John and Caitlin and I went to a concert at Convention Hall in Asbury Park - Coheed and Cambria. John's brother Steve came out with a couple of friends, who were totally rad, and we proceeded to drink too much and have a lot of fun. Caitlin used to work at CH, so we spent a lot of time running from place to place to see her old coworkers. Oddly enough, her very controversial ex-boyfriend just happened to be standing right next to our group in the crowd. Coincidence?

In comparison, this week so far has been rather dull, aside from various work-related frustrations, which I won't get into here except to say this: Politics. Blech.

But it's back to work for me for now.

Old Friend Fills Me With Hatred

Yesterday I saw this girl who used to be a very good friend of mine, and it filled me with rage.

The way our friendship ended really bothers me. Essentially she betrayed me and a bunch of our other girlfriends, and when I called her on it, she accused me of being cliquey and stopped talking to me. Hers wasn't a major betrayal, but she told her boyfriend some really private stuff we had told her. I wasn't going to end the friendship over it, but she chose to do that. The weirdest thing is that she is still friends with the other girls, just not me.

So I haven't seen her in like 3 years, and it was really weird to see her yesterday in the health food store where I always get my lunch. I almost didn't notice her, but when I did my mouth just formed the words, "how are you?" in a very bright and almost inappropriately friendly tone. I was immediately disappointed with myself. She was with her mom, and said in a weird, almost regretful tone, "How are you." Period at the end there is intentional. She wasn't asking a question. I just walked by. Aaargh!

Of course being a really brave person, I lurked in the back of the store hoping they would leave so I wouldn't have to bear the agony of being in LINE with them and having to make CONVERSATION, but I was just so angry doing it. Saying all kinds of nasty things under my breath, etc. I just find it so fucked up that she's the one who betrayed everyone and somehow I still feel like it's my fault. I guess that's my own problem, but it still bothers me. We were really close, and at the time I didn't really have any other close girl friends. I really liked her because she was kind and friendly - way more outgoing than me - and smart. It can be tough to find smart girls to make friends with.

So I guess it really hurt when she blew me off like that and made a huge sweeping judgment of me based on one situation. Her judgment was so way off too; she said I was "just like all those girls in high school," who left other people out. It was such a hurtful thing to say because at the time (and even now to some extent), I had a hard time making friends at all (most of the "girls" i'm referring to were really other people's friends I was associated with) and I was so lonely and needed girl friends more than ever. I always felt like the freak - the girl whose clothes didn't fit right, who didn't quite fit in with the bar crowd, who the guys didn't really look at. I have always, and still do feel like an outsider and an alien. Losing her as a friend, and in that kind of situation, just really made me feel so much worse.

I still miss her sometimes, and part of me wishes we could have run into each other yesterday, struck up a conversation, and maybe renewed the friendship. But another part just wants to tell her to go to Hell with her betrayal and her sweeping judgments. I really don't need that. Hm.

I am lame, so I post surveys

How old were you when you first.......

FELL IN LOVE - tough one, but I guess 14 if you count puppy love
GOT IN A FIGHT- I think my sister and I started as soon as i was born
LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU- 12
DRANK ALCOHOL- 7 or so - beer in the canoe with my stepdad
SMOKED WEED- 14 or 15
GOT KISSED - 12
GOT STUNG BY A BEE - 3
WENT TO THE HOSPITAL - 4 - tubes in my ears
GOT YOUR HEART BROKEN - 14
LOST A PET- 11
GOT ARRESTED- 19
SMOKED A CIGARETE- 12
BROKE A BONE- 8
GOT JUMPED- never
GOT A JOB- 12
GOT CHEATED ON- 22
GOT A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND- 13
RODE THE CITY BUS BY MYSELF- 19 in new brunswick i guess
WENT TO A CONCERT-15
MET SOMEONE FAMOUS- 25 - Duff Lambros (of MTV! I interviewed her)
GOT IN A CAR CRASH- 17 - Leslie's car was hit and we had 6 people in it so i had to run
DYED YOUR HAIR- 15
RODE AN AIRPLANE- 3
WENT TO ANOTHER STATE- probably very early to NYC

How many
LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS HAVE YOU BEEN IN- 11 - that's all i've done really
TIMES HAS YOUR HEART BEEN BROKEN- 3
PETS DO U HAVE- 2 - a cat and a goldfish
PEOPLE DO YOU HATE- 0
TIMES HAVE U GOT DUMPED- 2.5 - never figured out if the second guy actually considered us a couple
TIMES HAVE U DUMPED SOMEONE- 10 - wow

Damien Rice is Awesome

I just thought I'd mention that Damien Rice is a new favorite singer of mine. I heard the song "Blower's Daughter" on the credits of an old episode of the L-Word (which i love too) and nearly died of eargasm. I have some of his songs on my iPod now, and he's just frigging awesome. It's rare that a solo singer gets my attention, but he just seems to really sing from his gut and I like that. "Delicate" is really good too.

Fun!

1.Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs:The Beatles

2. Are you male or female:Girl

3. Describe yourself:Long Tall Sally

4. How do some people feel about you:
I’m a loser

5. How do you feel about yourself:I Feel Fine

6. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend:Nowhere man

7. Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend:Sun King

8. Describe where you want to be:Blue Jay Way

9. Describe how you live:Think For Yourself

10. Describe how you love:I'm Happy Just to Dance With You

11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:Help!

12. Share a few words of Wisdom:Your Mother Should Know

13. Now say goodbye:Hello Goodbye

Aaaaaand go

So the news is that John got a new job doing the same thing for a much higher salary, and he'll still be close to home. Awesome. I am so proud of him. The guy has never not gotten a job for which he interviewed, which just tells me that he is awesome. I knew that already, but it's nice to know that others can see it too. He is going to do great in this new position, and I think he'll be much happier.

I had to wait until he officially quit his current job to talk about it, and he did that yesterday.

Both of us are just spinning from all the changes going on lately. First my car goes up in smoke, then we're talking about marriage, then we buy a house, then John gets a new job. And the whole buying a house thing is very complicated! Mortgage, inspection, appraisal, termites, flood zones, radon, etc. etc. etc. This is more administrative stuff than we have ever dealt with.

We're definitely having a string of good luck, though, so hopefully my burned-up car has evened it all out.