Wednesday, April 19, 2006

On Satisfaction

This might sound sappy, but it occurred to me this morning that it's silly for me to have angst over not wanting a particular thing because perhaps the logical conclusion is that I already have what it is I want. Hmmm.

How I wish I felt today

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Wubba Bubba

Alexis Riley is getting big already! And cute! I still can't even get over the eyebrows.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Career Angst

I should get up early more often. Or maybe I should never do it again.

I got up at 6:30 this morning with a clear head and some ideas for work, and once I got them out in a list and emailed to myself, I started thinking in general about my life's direction and long term goals. It occurred to me that I have no idea where I want to be career-wise in a couple years. Obviously I can't stay where I am forever, but since I ended up here rather accidentally I think I have lost touch with what I want to do in general.

In fact, I don't think I really had anything in mind. I studied English in college, and really enjoyed it, but never thought about what I would do afterwards. It boggles my mind to think about how clueless I was then. I would just graduate from college and get a job, and then figure it all out. I guess that is sort of what happened, but I really wish I had done some more of the career experimentation before graduating, say with internships like every frigging kid in college seems to do now. Why did that not even occur to me?

So I really tried to simplify and think about what I might like to do with my time and was frustrated to find that I really just don't know. I like literature, I like writing, I like animals, I like helping people... I have a lot of vague interests, but nothing that really stands out as a calling.

Yesterday I briefly entertained (again) the idea of going to law school, because I find the law very interesting. But I don't want to be a lawyer. So how could I justify the expense? Sure a lot of people with law degrees go on to do other things, but I think it's usually by accident, not by design. I know I don't want to run for office after everything I've seen, so... I don't know. End of the road on that line of thought I guess.

A conversation with a friend this morning got me thinking about going back to school to get my PhD in English. I know I would enjoy it. It would be a lot of work to get in, with the GREs and writing samples, etc etc. Where would it take me? At the end I could be a professor, and have time and money (other people's money) to devote to academic pursuits. That's appealing to me, but something inside me says I can't really do it. John will object to me spending money on that kind of education, or I just wouldn't be able to cut it, or I could never get a teaching job.

All I know is I really do want to use my brain for something. I wish in a way I had just gone straight from undergraduate into graduate studies because then I would have gotten as qualified as I could be and I wouldn't have had to wake up to the real world until I had all that under my belt. But I wouldn't be where I am today, with a great relationship and some experiences which I wouldn't trade for the world, without the last 7 years going the way they have gone. It's just so hard to jump back into it when I've been away so long. If I went back to Rutgers I would have to submit a 10-20 page paper to show my skill for literary criticism. I haven't flexed that muscle since 1999. I am pretty sure I could do it, but would it be good enough? I think my reflections on literature might be a little more valid with the life experience I've had, but I can't say I remember particularly well how to do it all. Bibliography? AAAH!

I don't want to just continue letting life happen to me, because it feels terribly passive and I keep waking up every couple years having a Talking Heads moment (how did I get here?). I've got to focus on this question, and make a real decision soon.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Doesn't quite jibe

You are usewess Awec Bawwin..

Back at work after a 3-day weekend and again, as just about always, I can't really remember what I did the whole time.

Saturday we spend the whole day helping to move Matt and Jess to their new house, which is about 6 blocks from the house we will be moving into. They had a frigging nightmare with the movers, so much so that we decided that we will just handle our furniture on our own thank you very much. But overall the day was really fun, although there was plenty of work to be done.

John and I hung with Matt and Jess into the evening and had dinner, then enough wine to have to spend the night on their pull-out couch. Like idiots we left the windows open all night in the living room. I woke up at 4 a.m. and realized I was using the baby blanket Jess had given me (it was warm when we went to sleep), my sweater, and various cushions to prevent myself from freezing to death, and that this behavior was very similar to that of a homeless person and I indeed have a home and clothing, etc. Everything was still all packed up, so I wandered out into the garage and started poking around the boxes for one that might say "big, frigging warm blanket," but the closest I got was a Christmas tablecloth, which I decided would do just fine. Fortunately on my way back to the family room, I just happened to walk by a box with a giant comforter in it, and I nearly wet my pants I was so happy. John and I re-entered the civilized world.

Oh, I didn't even talk about the Seder. It was rad. For some reason that's all I want to say about it right now, but I guess I'll stop being lazy and describe it.

Ahhh, not really. 12 people total (I think). A really nice family, plus the rabbi and his parents and his son, and a couple he knows, and my co-worker. Very good food (matzo and haroset! ohhhh yeah!), and great conversation. It was a real honor to be there.

The rabbi's lady friend, Janis, made an awesome vegetarian matzo lasagne for me, and she was not even there. She made it the night before. I have never even met her. It was so nice of her to do that, especially since she had to get on a plane at 6 the next morning. Great lady. Hope I get to meet her (I just typed "meat her." ha.) some day.

It sure feels like nap time right now.